It is very early days, in fact it's only day two, but I have started taking Mirtazapine. I've taken it before and stopped it because it made me eat like a horse and put a ton of weight on.
However I feel a million percent better already. I think I really was still suffering from Venlafaxine/Effexor withdrawals after six whole months and this little tablet has evened at the imbalance that stopping taking that evil anti-depressant caused.
I would highly suggest to anybody out there suffering from severe anxiety to try taking this. If nothing else you should at least me able to sleep as it works as a sleep aid too.
I have not panicked at all today and considering were I have been over the past few months that is a miracle.
I hope it does continue to work for me as I was literally at the end of my tether with constant anxiety. It was truly a nightmare that I would not wish on my worst enemy.
Even if it does work and I am "cured" there is still a lot of work to do. I haven't left the house in months and I have developed a phobia of the shower. Quite annoying that one is!
Wish me luck world. I'm 35 this year and want to get my life on track :)
Thursday, 4 June 2015
Wednesday, 20 May 2015
Scumbags and shits and anxiety scammers (Linden Method)
As is inevitable when going through extreme levels of anxiety, and with having access to the internet we start searching for ways to cure us quickly and effectively.
I have stumbled across a few of those really long pages trying to sell me a very expensive PDF/eBook BUT was almost tricked into actually buying the Linden Method.
There are so many pages out there which look really lovely and professional, all trying to sell me the efficacy of the plan, and all supposedly written by unbiased fellow anxiety sufferers.
The basic fact of the matter is if a programme charges you $137 upfront without you being able to get an idea of what it contains then what exactly are they hiding? They are hiding the fact that they are selling you something which you a) probably already know and b) if you don't already know it is already available for free on the internet and given out for free by people who are ACTUALLY going through your symptoms. Ain't nobody like a fellow sufferer sharing with you their own experience via a blog.
FYI same goes for the Panic Miracle.
I single these methods out because these are the two I found today. There are many more. Google CBT. You'll find many sites which provide the same information for nothing.
As for these people selling "cures". They make me sick. Their actions are despicable, taking money from the desperate is as low as you can get and I hope that one day they will actually suffer from severe anxiety issues themselves, buy their own trash and feel as equally hopeless as they have left other people....except I don't really because I wouldn't wish this living hell on anybody, because I'm not a scumbag, shit or a scammer.
Oh, and as Linden has tendency to try and sue people for libel, please try. I would love to see the reputation you get from trying to sue somebody who is suffering from a crippling panic disorder. It would make my decade.
I have stumbled across a few of those really long pages trying to sell me a very expensive PDF/eBook BUT was almost tricked into actually buying the Linden Method.
There are so many pages out there which look really lovely and professional, all trying to sell me the efficacy of the plan, and all supposedly written by unbiased fellow anxiety sufferers.
The basic fact of the matter is if a programme charges you $137 upfront without you being able to get an idea of what it contains then what exactly are they hiding? They are hiding the fact that they are selling you something which you a) probably already know and b) if you don't already know it is already available for free on the internet and given out for free by people who are ACTUALLY going through your symptoms. Ain't nobody like a fellow sufferer sharing with you their own experience via a blog.
FYI same goes for the Panic Miracle.
I single these methods out because these are the two I found today. There are many more. Google CBT. You'll find many sites which provide the same information for nothing.
As for these people selling "cures". They make me sick. Their actions are despicable, taking money from the desperate is as low as you can get and I hope that one day they will actually suffer from severe anxiety issues themselves, buy their own trash and feel as equally hopeless as they have left other people....except I don't really because I wouldn't wish this living hell on anybody, because I'm not a scumbag, shit or a scammer.
Oh, and as Linden has tendency to try and sue people for libel, please try. I would love to see the reputation you get from trying to sue somebody who is suffering from a crippling panic disorder. It would make my decade.
Friday, 15 May 2015
And breathe!
I'm feeling much better today. I'm actually not built to be depressed for too long. I'm usually too anxious for that to happen!
I also discovered that Effexor/venlafaxine can cause low levels of magnesium. This is a problem because magnesium has a role in anxiety. Exactly what role I think scientists are not too sure!
So I scuttled out a multi-vitamin which happened to include Mg and popped that. (Actually I spent about 20 minutes chewing through it. It was massive and there was no way I could swallow it in one go!) I then went and took my cod liver oil which includes omega 3, that's also supposed to be good for sorting your brain out.
Oddly started to feel almost immediately better after taking the Mg. Placebo or not I do not care. I felt less anxious and was happy...until...Yeah, then I discovered the bloody idiots added vitamin A at an RDA of 100% to both tablets. Now why the hell would you do that with cod liver oil?! Thankfully I don't have toxicity after a single dose, but bloody hell, companies need to be clearer about this sort of thing. Imagine if you're talking a multi-vit and a few other supplements, it wouldn't take much before you're overdosing on one vitamin or another. God only knows what the exact long term effects would be of OD-ing on vits, I have no desire to trawl the internet and check every variety of every one because there are so many. And that is the problem.
But I am in a happier mood :p I get to blame big pharma for messing with my brain, and I get to blame small pharma for potentially causing people to OD on supposedly harmless vitamins and minerals! Blaming someone else instead of myself is marvellously joyous after continually beating yourself up for weeks :D
I also discovered that Effexor/venlafaxine can cause low levels of magnesium. This is a problem because magnesium has a role in anxiety. Exactly what role I think scientists are not too sure!
So I scuttled out a multi-vitamin which happened to include Mg and popped that. (Actually I spent about 20 minutes chewing through it. It was massive and there was no way I could swallow it in one go!) I then went and took my cod liver oil which includes omega 3, that's also supposed to be good for sorting your brain out.
Oddly started to feel almost immediately better after taking the Mg. Placebo or not I do not care. I felt less anxious and was happy...until...Yeah, then I discovered the bloody idiots added vitamin A at an RDA of 100% to both tablets. Now why the hell would you do that with cod liver oil?! Thankfully I don't have toxicity after a single dose, but bloody hell, companies need to be clearer about this sort of thing. Imagine if you're talking a multi-vit and a few other supplements, it wouldn't take much before you're overdosing on one vitamin or another. God only knows what the exact long term effects would be of OD-ing on vits, I have no desire to trawl the internet and check every variety of every one because there are so many. And that is the problem.
But I am in a happier mood :p I get to blame big pharma for messing with my brain, and I get to blame small pharma for potentially causing people to OD on supposedly harmless vitamins and minerals! Blaming someone else instead of myself is marvellously joyous after continually beating yourself up for weeks :D
Thursday, 14 May 2015
Venlafaxine to blame?
I was writing this some weeks ago. I think part of my problem is coming off Venlafaxine aka Effexor too quickly.
I was in a better mood when I started to write it, I think.
What can I say? It's a dangerous anti-depressant that can have very severe consequences on your mental health. If anybody happens to read this and they are struggling to come off this horrible medication, don't rush it. I know the feeling of wanting to expel it from your system as quickly as possible, because you hope that in doing so the awful side effects will leave you more quickly.
It's not true. Your brain has to have time to readjust, so gently does it. Take six months of feeling awful. A year if need be. But never think you can stop it in two weeks. Brain zaps are nothing in comparison to the extreme levels of anxiety and depression you feel as your brain tries desperately to get used to not having it there at all any more.
I was in a better mood when I started to write it, I think.
What can I say? It's a dangerous anti-depressant that can have very severe consequences on your mental health. If anybody happens to read this and they are struggling to come off this horrible medication, don't rush it. I know the feeling of wanting to expel it from your system as quickly as possible, because you hope that in doing so the awful side effects will leave you more quickly.
It's not true. Your brain has to have time to readjust, so gently does it. Take six months of feeling awful. A year if need be. But never think you can stop it in two weeks. Brain zaps are nothing in comparison to the extreme levels of anxiety and depression you feel as your brain tries desperately to get used to not having it there at all any more.
I was wrong
No, THIS is definitely rock bottom, because I do not see how I can possibly feel worse than I do right now.
I can't even leave my room to make a cup of tea. The thought turns me into a jibbering mess, except I am not really jibbering I'm shouting at myself internally.
I really am beginning to think I am going to go crazy. I have thought about suicide. Not in terms of actually doing myself away but considering whether it would make the noise inside my head quieten down if I was dead. Of course my two greatest fears are death and madness so the only thing that could possibly happen is I make myself more crazy thinking about the implications of suicide.
I decided today it might not be a terrible idea to get in touch with some old internet friends. They helped me through so much before, and I've been hiding away from them for reasons I am yet to fathom. I thought that if I actually involved myself in their lives and what is happening with them it would distract me from the sounds inside my own head. Plus it probably would be a good idea to actaully express some of the thoughts I am having to others instead of just telling myself the same things over and over, which are of course mostly fallacy.
A) It is not possible to go crazy because you're having a panic attack or because you're worrying too much or because your head aches.
B) You're not a total waste of space that everybody hates and it would NOT be better if you had never been born.
C) The outside world is not the cause of your anxiety and panic attacks and you cannot possibly be protected from having a heart attack and dying or from going crazy and turning into a crazy blob by staying shut in one room. In fact the opposite is more likely to be true. ie if you don't exercise and if you shut yourself away with just your own thoughts.
All these things are great, but I don't believe them, and I am as anxious as ever. Today is a bad day. Tomorrow may be better. I hope so because I feel sick and want my fucking life back now please. It's not fair that I am being punished by my own thoughts and I don't know how to make them stop.
I'm going for another cry and I want so much to feel better tomorrow. If there is a God I am asking you, please help me because I don't think I can take much more punishment.
I can't even leave my room to make a cup of tea. The thought turns me into a jibbering mess, except I am not really jibbering I'm shouting at myself internally.
I really am beginning to think I am going to go crazy. I have thought about suicide. Not in terms of actually doing myself away but considering whether it would make the noise inside my head quieten down if I was dead. Of course my two greatest fears are death and madness so the only thing that could possibly happen is I make myself more crazy thinking about the implications of suicide.
I decided today it might not be a terrible idea to get in touch with some old internet friends. They helped me through so much before, and I've been hiding away from them for reasons I am yet to fathom. I thought that if I actually involved myself in their lives and what is happening with them it would distract me from the sounds inside my own head. Plus it probably would be a good idea to actaully express some of the thoughts I am having to others instead of just telling myself the same things over and over, which are of course mostly fallacy.
A) It is not possible to go crazy because you're having a panic attack or because you're worrying too much or because your head aches.
B) You're not a total waste of space that everybody hates and it would NOT be better if you had never been born.
C) The outside world is not the cause of your anxiety and panic attacks and you cannot possibly be protected from having a heart attack and dying or from going crazy and turning into a crazy blob by staying shut in one room. In fact the opposite is more likely to be true. ie if you don't exercise and if you shut yourself away with just your own thoughts.
All these things are great, but I don't believe them, and I am as anxious as ever. Today is a bad day. Tomorrow may be better. I hope so because I feel sick and want my fucking life back now please. It's not fair that I am being punished by my own thoughts and I don't know how to make them stop.
I'm going for another cry and I want so much to feel better tomorrow. If there is a God I am asking you, please help me because I don't think I can take much more punishment.
Wednesday, 8 April 2015
Rock bottom
My anxiety has returned with a vengeance, and today I think I feel worse than ever. I am so frustrated and cannot see a way out.
This blog entry is drenched in tears!
I feel a failure, that everybody hates me for being a failure and every extra second I spend worrying and fretting is another second wasted. I don't want to waste anymore time and I don't want to get any lower than I am now.
I have got myself better before and should know how to do it again. But this time it actually seems ten times harder. I worry I am going crazy and I am so terrified of having a panic attack I can hardly do anything.
So, I thought I would make a blog, and maybe I can chart my way to getting better. Looking back I can see the tiny steps I am making rather than beating myself up more and making myself feel worse.
This is not exactly the best way to open my journal as I am so down at the moment it is difficult to express myself. The best I can describe the inside of my head as is a whirling mess of worry, self hatred and confused thoughts.
Today I am going to start doing a technique called mindfulness. It is my first step to trying to get myself better. And because every day is important I will try and remember to do it at least once a day.
I think I may do a bit of shopping on ebay first. Not recommended for those who are down, but it is a purchase I have been considering for three weeks. Anchor printed fabric!
Wish me luck world. I hope I can rejoin you soon.
Amy x
This blog entry is drenched in tears!
I feel a failure, that everybody hates me for being a failure and every extra second I spend worrying and fretting is another second wasted. I don't want to waste anymore time and I don't want to get any lower than I am now.
I have got myself better before and should know how to do it again. But this time it actually seems ten times harder. I worry I am going crazy and I am so terrified of having a panic attack I can hardly do anything.
So, I thought I would make a blog, and maybe I can chart my way to getting better. Looking back I can see the tiny steps I am making rather than beating myself up more and making myself feel worse.
This is not exactly the best way to open my journal as I am so down at the moment it is difficult to express myself. The best I can describe the inside of my head as is a whirling mess of worry, self hatred and confused thoughts.
Today I am going to start doing a technique called mindfulness. It is my first step to trying to get myself better. And because every day is important I will try and remember to do it at least once a day.
I think I may do a bit of shopping on ebay first. Not recommended for those who are down, but it is a purchase I have been considering for three weeks. Anchor printed fabric!
Wish me luck world. I hope I can rejoin you soon.
Amy x
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