I was wrong

No, THIS is definitely rock bottom, because I do not see how I can possibly feel worse than I do right now.

I can't even leave my room to make a cup of tea. The thought turns me into a jibbering mess, except I am not really jibbering I'm shouting at myself internally.

I really am beginning to think I am going to go crazy. I have thought about suicide. Not in terms of actually doing myself away but considering whether it would make the noise inside my head quieten down if I was dead. Of course my two greatest fears are death and madness so the only thing that could possibly happen is I make myself more crazy thinking about the implications of suicide.

I decided today it might not be a terrible idea to get in touch with some old internet friends. They helped me through so much before, and I've been hiding away from them for reasons I am yet to fathom. I thought that if I actually involved myself in their lives and what is happening with them it would distract me from the sounds inside my own head. Plus it probably would be a good idea to actaully express some of the thoughts I am having to others instead of just telling myself the same things over and over, which are of course mostly fallacy.

A) It is not possible to go crazy because you're having a panic attack or because you're worrying too much or because your head aches.

B) You're not a total waste of space that everybody hates and it would NOT be better if you had never been born.

C) The outside world is not the cause of your anxiety and panic attacks and you cannot possibly be protected from having a heart attack and dying or from going crazy and turning into a crazy blob by staying shut in one room. In fact the opposite is more likely to be true. ie if you don't exercise and if you shut yourself away with just your own thoughts.

All these things are great, but I don't believe them, and I am as anxious as ever. Today is a bad day. Tomorrow may be better. I hope so because I feel sick and want my fucking life back now please. It's not fair that I am being punished by my own thoughts and I don't know how to make them stop.

I'm going for another cry and I want so much to feel better tomorrow. If there is a God I am asking you, please help me because I don't think I can take much more punishment.